Does time heal everything?

Who said time heals everything? It’s been five years, yes five long years, and the pain hasn’t healed at all. Maybe it’s just got easier to bare the pain, easier to cope with things. Had it healed, maybe I would have had a reason to celebrate this day!

Wish I could celebrate it as any other festival, but no. I’m unable to, for two reasons. One I have got used to the amount of pain and memories associated with this particular day bring in and the other, somebody else, who like me might have had millions of dreams before entering the wedlock on this day, now might have same million reasons to curse her fate, curse this day!

A day which was supposed to be a “Red Letter Day”, as someone had mentioned to me very proudly, is in no way remains so. If not for anybody, at least for the girl, ok let me call her my friend to make things simple! After getting divorce, I don’t think either she or her family will ever be able to rejoice this day, as it also happens to be her wedding anniversary…

It’s been five years, five long years, since I celebrated Ganesha Chaturthi, the way we did before my wedding. I thought, maybe this year I would, but no. Her hapless face came to my mind and the day started badly.

I did celebrate Gowri festival yesterday and I was happy too, even though I missed my family very badly. I thought I would manage to celebrate Ganesha festival too, but some memories are too strong to forget, some pains are too hard to let go.

Every single word echoes in my ears, the words which I had not expected, which I can’t forget till my last breath. As years pass by, I see how the amount of pain I have gone through is bouncing back on the perpetrators and all I say is time doesn’t heal the pain, but it makes us mature enough to bare the pain, easier to cope with things.

Today, standing here, away from those people, away from those taunting words, I look back and console myself at least I’m able to do so many things, at least I have learnt something – to face life, to face good and unfortunately, often bad people, to wait patiently and courage to look back into the past, into the good and bad memories.

Now, at this stage, I don’t think I have that many regrets, of taking decisions and of waiting patiently to see my day coming, even though it has been a long and lone journey. I think people who made me to wait to go through this journey have realized it, if not, they will, very soon… And I wish at least next year, I will be able to celebrate this festival, with due sympathies to my friend, hope she gets all the courage to face those people and the world, and I’m sure she will!

Happy Gowri and Ganesha Festival J   

Love Jihad resurfaces

Love Jihad has once again hits the headlines and this time it’s in Kerala. The Christian community in Kerala has reportedly expressed its concern about love jihad and according to the Global Council of Indian Christians, it has “victimized” 2,868 women so far.

The latest case of love jihad involves a Christian woman from Kochi, who left her husband and married the driver of a school bus. Later, she was arrested for allegedly supplying SIM cards to Lashkar-e-Taiba operative Thadiyantavide Nazir, who is currently in prison.

Dr Sajan K George, president of the Global Council of Indian Christians, said that Deepa Cheriyan converted to Islam and changed her name to Shahina. Deepa, whose husband works in the Middle East, had an affair with Naushad, who was working as a driver.

Dr George believes that Deepa, like many others, is a victim of love jihad. This issue even piqued US interest. The US diplomats in their report from Chennai consulate said: "Both Hindu and Christian groups have expressed fear and outrage at the 'plot', while Muslim groups have felt the need to defend their co-religionists against the conspiracy theorists".

In a cable sent in February last year mentioned that though the ongoing police investigations in south India had cast doubt on the existence of a "love jihad", the recurring assertion of its existence, despite contrary evidence demonstrates the suspicion and intolerance that exist among some of the region's religious communities.

The report also said: “The Commission for Social Harmony and Vigilance of the Kerala Catholic Bishops Council had reported that there had been 2,868 female victims of love jihad in Kerala between 2006 and 2009. The panel had made several recommendations to parents through its newsletter, including a recommendation to monitor children's cellphones and computers, so that they can be better prepared to fight the phenomenon and resist charming young Muslim men involved in the scheme.” 

The cable, as disclosed by WikiLeaks, said that Sajan George was convinced that “there was a concerted effort in south India by some Muslim men to get Christian women to fall in love with them in order to convert them”. 

The Kerala high court had also taken note of the matter and had asked the police to investigate the cases of two college-going girls. The two girls were allegedly forced to convert to Islam after they married Muslim men.

Police in Kerala said that in most cases of love jihad, the victims were merely used as pawns in criminal activities. Many of the victims had no idea what they were getting into and often got into lured by the young men.

Added to all this, a controversial poster, warning against Muslim youth marrying and converting Hindu girls, appeared in the premises of the BJP headquarters in New Delhi. What’s surprising is the fact that the poster gave the instances of Bollywood actors Aamir Khan and Said Ali Khan who had married Hindu women, had children and then went for a divorce.  

"Wake up Hindus, wake up. Beware of Love Jihad," the poster warned, appealing to people to report such incidents, and provided an e-mail address and a mobile-phone number. 

Though the poster was later removed from the BJP office, it was allegedly put up by the radical Hindu outfit Bhagat Singh Kranti Sena, but advertised a group called the Anti-Love Jihad Front. Remember which is this Sena? Yes, rightly guessed. It’s the same outfit whose members had allegedly assaulted Team Anna member Prashant Bhushan some months ago and had protested against writer Arundhati Roy for their views on Kashmir!

Ok, let me come back to the term “Love Jihad”. It is also called as “Romeo Jihad”. It is an alleged activity under which some young Muslim boys and men reportedly target college girls belonging to non-Muslim communities for conversion to Islam by feigning love! While similar activities have been reported elsewhere, the term has been widely used to describe the activity in India.

Reports of similar activities have emerged from Pakistan, where Hindu and Sikh girls were targeted, and the United Kingdom. Targeted sexual offences and forced conversions of Hindu and Sikh girls was not a new phenomenon in the UK, said Ashish Joshio from Media Monitoring group. "This has been going on for decades in the UK. Young Muslim men have been boasting about seducing the Kaffir (unbeliever) women. The Hindu and the Sikh communities must be commended for showing both restraint and maturity under such provocation," he said.

Police in the UK are even working with universities to clamp down on "aggressive conversions" during which girls are beaten up and forced to abandon university courses. The problem was most common in cities such as Birmingham, Leeds and Bradford, while London universities had “at least two or three cases” each. 

Why would Muslim boys target non-Muslim girls? Ramesh Kallidai, from the Hindu Forum of Britain, estimated hundreds of girls had been targeted, with some reports of Muslim boys being offered £5,000 “commissions”.  The National Union of Students said it did not want to discriminate against Muslims but agreed some extremists were causing concern. They have managed to infiltrate Brunel University in West London, Bedfordshire University, Sheffield Hallam University and Manchester Metropolitan University, according to a Muslim charity.

Coming back to India, this activity has raised concerns in various Hindu and Christian organisations. On the other hand, Muslim organisations in Kerala have denied that any such activity is true.  

When some parts of the country were worried about this issue, investigations were conducted in 2009 in Kerala and Karnataka and the reports said that there were no such activities in the country.

In January 2012, Kerala police declared that Love Jihad was "[a] campaign with no substance" and brought legal proceeding against the website hindujagruti.org for "spreading religious hatred and false propaganda". What more to say, the issue successfully garnered the international attention.

Organisations and people alleged that love jihad was conducted in Kerala and Managalore, and Kerala Catholic Bishops Council claimed that up to 4,500 girls in Kerala have been targeted, whereas Hindu Janajagruti Samiti claimed that 30,000 girls have been converted in Karnataka alone. Not just that, even general secretary of Sree Narayana Dharma Paripalana said that there had been reports in Narayaneeya communities of love jihad attempts.

This activity, rather say the very term, became popular in September 2009, when the reports of two women from Pathanamthitta in Kerala were forced to convert to Islam after being lured by two Muslim men "feigning love". Initially, the women said their conversion was voluntary. However, subsequently - they were staying with their parents in the interim period on the court's orders - they claimed they were abducted and coerced to convert. The two men were reported to be members of Campus Front, a student outfit of the Popular Front of India, a conglomerate of Muslim organisations that is alleged to be engaged in radicalizing Muslims in south India.

What’s noteworthy is the fact that Christians, who have been in the crosshairs of the Hindu right-wing for their offer of "inducements" to convert Hindus to Christianity, have joined hands with Hindu right-wing organisations against the love jihadis!

When police have declined any such activity in the country, why are parents so scared? There’s a reason for this. Traditionally, marriages have been arranged by parents and this trend is slowly changing. Youngsters are increasingly choosing their own partners. They sometimes choose a partner who is from a different caste or sub-caste or sometimes different religion altogether. When parents don’t agree for such a mix marriage, youngsters don’t even think of convincing them, they defy rules, they defy parents and just elope to marry the person whom they have chosen as partner. Maybe it is this fear of losing control over their children which makes parents to get worried.

Why only non-Muslim parents are worried? There’s yet another reason for this. Muslim parents confine their daughters to homes or put them under a burqa. But non-Muslim parents have no other go but to keep themselves busy policing their daughters or thinking up of new ways and means to control them. Whatever it is, the issue is not going to die that sooner.   

Sex, violence, corruption, insider exposes rock the Kerala church

“Later, I’m taken to the priest’s room for coffee. While I’m having coffee sitting on the cot, the only place in the room to sit, he comes and embraces me hard, almost suffocating me. When I struggle to escape from his clutches, he squeezes my breasts and asks me to show them to him. ‘Have you seen a man?’ Stunned, I shake my head ‘no’. In no time, he undresses himself.”
Sister Jesme in her book Amen: The Autobiography of a Nun

“The convents and nunneries are being converted into brothels. The priests have sex with the nuns at night in these convents. Because of these acts, the chastity of the priests and nuns has come under suspicion. Their love for God has shrunk...some of the clergy protect their chastity by watching pornography and reading pornographic material. They lose themselves in this habit. These books and DVDs are kept in secret places and can’t be found easily.”
Father Shibu Kalamparambil in his memoir Oru Vaidikante Hrudayamitha (The Heart of a Priest)

“The cry of a baby came from the bathroom of one of the inner rooms along with the sobs of a woman. We used our might to force open the bathroom door and what we saw would break anyone’s heart. A nun who had given birth to a child was pushing the head of the baby into the closet. The bathroom was filled with blood. The legs of the child, which were sticking out of the closet, were kicking for life.”
Sister Mary Chandy in her autobiography Nanma Niranjavale Swasthi(Peace to the One filled with Grace)

A nun at the Little Flower convent in Narakkal, Kochi

On the gentle slopes of Pulpally, Wayanad, where the Naxal movement once sent terror into the hearts of the land-owning gentry, a lone ex-nun, Sister Mary Chandy, is raising the hackles of the Catholic church. Her autobiography, Nanma Niranjavale Swasthi, a no-holds-barred account of her life in the convent, is littered with pregnant nuns and wayward priests. The 67-year-old Sister’s memoirs comes a good 14 years after she walked out of the congregation of the Daughters of Presentation of Mary in Chevayur, Kozhikode, in north Kerala. The Church was quick to proclaim that Sister Mary was never a nun in any of their convents and asked the laity in Wayanad not to associate with her.

So what happened after she saw the nun trying to kill her newborn baby in a convent in Mananthavady in Wayanad, as she has described in autobiography? “After I broke open the door with the help of another nun, I grabbed the child and held it to my chest. I thought I was doing the right thing but the sisters turned against me. I want to know why. In a previous incident, when I hit a priest on his head with a stool when he tried to grab me, the nuns sympathised with the priest. From then on, I was watched carefully.” After 40 years, Sister Mary fled the convent life.


Mary Chandy’s book has many more such harrowing tales. Like the nun who had tried to commit suicide many times over telling her of priests coming to the convent well past midnight and taking nuns out to the nearby schools. When this nun was called, she would not open the door. She was terrified the priests would break down the door and come for her. She said she hated this life of fear and wanted to end it. In one chapter, Mary Chandy recounts how porn magazines and CDs are commonplace among the priests. In one instance, she says a young nun came to her crying as another senior nun was forcing her to watch these videos with her. Elsewhere, Mary describes feast days in the seminaries when wine flows freely and there is dancing and much else. Once a father asked her to join in the revelries saying life is meant to be enjoyed. When she refused, he threatened her with dire consequences.

Tell-all memoirs are not new in Kerala, nor are church scandals. The Sister Abhaya murder case (1992) has still not seen closure and in the last five years there have been three other cases of alleged nun ‘suicides’. But a nun coming out, writing an autobiography, warts and all, was a first even for Kerala. Sister Jesme’s autobiography three years ago caused quite a stir and embarrassed the church no end. Following close behind was Father Shibu Kalamparambil’s effort in 2010, which described in excruciating detail the depraved lives that many priests and nuns led. And now comes Sister Mary Chandy’s memoir, about nuns who got pregnant by priests and aborted foetuses and other such horror stories.

Noted writer and feminist Sara Joseph, whose novel Othappu incidentally explores the life of a nun who leaves the convent, says, “Most of the nuns and priests suffer in silence for suffering is a quality that they are conditioned to accept as a virtue. What you see here is the expression of the individual’s conflict with the establishment. They did not have the courage till now to take on the establishment but now they are openly questioning it.” Joseph Pullikunnel, editor ofHosanna and director of the Indian Institute of Christian Studies, says he hasn’t heard anything like this against the Catholic church, in such an open manner, ever before. “Perhaps the church was ‘whitewashing’ itself,” he says hesitantly.

Ex-MP and commentator Dr Sebastian Paul is a bit more unabashed about the sociological implications of these revelations: “These autobiographies have become bestsellers but the allegations they make have not been publicly debated. So there is not much impact on the organisation. The Catholic Church is a highly centralised organisation and there is very little criticism happening within.”

So will a soon-to-be-released film, aptly titled Father, Son and Holy Ghost, on the hardships and dilemmas faced by nuns, put things in perspective? “The Church is traditionally patriarchal. I have explored the lives of two nuns in a nunnery in my film and have touched on various aspects, including homosexuality and abortion,” says director T. Deepesh.

That doesn’t sound like things are going to get better. Father Paul Thelakat, spokesperson of the Syro-Malabar Catholic Church, says the fathers and nuns who have left the order and are writing books now are the ones who could not cope with the spiritual life. As he puts it, “If one cannot stay celibate, it is better to get out, marry and live happily. One is called to a difficult way of life; it needs an ascetic’s will to live a life of celibacy happily. It is always better to marry than to ‘burn’ mentally. I do not appreciate those who make a hue and cry of something they fail to live up to and then blame others for their failures. It is too naive to say, ‘since I could not, nobody can’.”


Kerala, incidentally, has now around 50,000 priests and nuns. And, incredibly, there are about 1,35,000 of them outside the state, serving in various institutions in India and abroad. Malayalis constitute a sizeable 15 per cent of the world’s Catholic priests and nuns. For the past few decades, their strength has been growing while the reverse is the case in the West. Brother Mani Mekkunnel, national secretary of the Conference of Religious India, points out that one cannot disregard the importance of Catholic institutions and the yeoman’s service they do to society. He feels the media picks on stray incidents and “unsubstantiated accounts” to judge the entire edifice of the Church and millions of its devout followers. “Why don’t you focus on the hundreds and thousands of priests and nuns who are living for a noble cause? Today, English education is synonymous with convent education. Catholic institutions have contributed in an immense way to India’s economic growth. Why not highlight that?”

Sara Joseph too stresses the unsubstantiated clause, saying if these writers want to be taken seriously they must reveal names. “Only if they are exposed can they be questioned,” she says. Take, for instance, Sister Mary’s book. It takes no names nor are dates clearly mentioned. Fr Stephen Mathew, director of Neethivedi, an NGO in Wayanad, points out, “We are suspicious because they haven’t revealed everything. A small minority may be behaving like this...but it is not good to generalise.”

The Church’s critics, though, offer a different view. They feel even if it’s only a handful of priests and nuns who have spoken out, it’s still a brave effort as it is unthinkable for the majority to speak against the strict order. There is both fear and subservience. Those who dare to leave this cloistered life are often not accepted by even their family and are ostracised by society. And most don’t even have a place to stay.

“Judas! Fallen Angel! Mad! These are some of the epithets being hurled my way by the church,” says Sister Jesme, 56, a former principal of St Mary’s College, Thrissur, fully at ease in a pair of red tights and a black T-shirt, enjoying her freedom in her tiny flat in Guruvayur. “I am foisted as an example to quell dissidents within the nunneries and seminaries. They preach that I have been disowned by my family and by the Church and the same would befall anyone who dares to be another Sr Jesme.” Fr Shibu says his parents were threatened by the Church. They were even told that they would not be buried in the church cemetery if they accepted him back home.

Curiously, this comes at a time when the Vatican itself is under attack. A tell-all bestseller,Sua Santita, has outed confidential personal letters between the Pope and his associates revealing many embarrassing details. Last month, the head of the Vatican bank was sacked on money-laundering charges. Many connected with the Church say the kind of depravity prevalent among the priests and nuns in Kerala and abroad is because of the arcane rules and practices. This perhaps is the time to usher in some much-needed reforms in the Catholic Church. As Dr Valson Thampu, principal of St Stephen’s College, Delhi, puts out, “Every institution stands in need of continual reform. What is not reformed or renewed is headed for death. Only those who are spiritually insensitive will resist reform.” So will the Church let more light into its pews or wait for another book by one of its own to rake up another scandal?

INTERVIEW

“When The Priests Drink, What Spews Out Is Absolute Filth”

The nun who walked out of her Kozhikode convent 14 years ago on what compelled her to leave

Sister Mary Chandy

Sixty-seven-year-old Sister Mary Chandy walked out of the Congregation of the Daughters of Presentation of Mary in Chevayur, Kozhikode, 14 years ago. She wrote her autobiography,Nanma Niranjavale Swasthi (Peace to the One Filled with Grace), in April 2012. Excerpts from an interview:

What did you do after you left the convent?

I only had the clothes that I was wearing. I did not have any money. I remember envying men for they can sleep at night under a tree but a woman cannot do that. I would visit houses and ask for donations. My dream was to open an orphanage and look after unwanted children.

Is there one incident that made you quit the order?

There are so many incidents that hurt me. After I left the convent, I went through many trials and tribulations. It has been a long journey outside.

You have said that the priests drink during festive occasions?

Yes, both the priests and nuns drink wine and foreign liquor. When the priests drink, what spews from their mouths is absolute filth.

The Church says that you were only a cook for a brief period and not a nun in the convent?

If that is so, why have they kept my baptism certificate? It is now in their hands to prove I was not a nun.

What you say about the priests...does it hold for the majority of them?

No, there are many good priests and nuns who do a lot of good work. But then there are also the bad ones. My advice to young Catholic girls is to not to go for counselling or confession to the priests.

INTERVIEW

“A Life Is Not Born In The Church. The Nun Is Forced To Abort...”

The priest, whose memoirs were published in 2010, on the sexual misconduct of priests and financial irregularities

Father Shibu Kalamparambil

Father Shibu Kalamparambil, 40, was defrocked from the Vicentian Congregation after 12 years as a priest. His memoir Oru Vaidikante Hrudayamitha (The Heart of a Priest) was published in 2010.

Why did you decide to write the book?

I had aired my views about the sexual misconduct of priests and financial irregularities many times but they were not willing to correct themselves. So I wrote this book and for four years I showed it to near and dear ones and to those inside the Church. They advised me not to publish it, they said it would be catastrophic. They kept saying that things will be corrected but they never were so I published my book.

What is the Church establishment’s response when a priest makes a complaint?

The complaints are dealt with by the bishops and they influence the laity. If a woman among the laity becomes pregnant because of a priest or a bishop, they build houses or give money to them and hush it up.

What happens when a nun gets pregnant?

A life is not born in the church. When it comes to the nuns, they either make her abort the child or she is sent out of the church. If the nun tries to take it up, then she is ostracised by society.

What about the financial irregularities?

Financial irregularities are rampant. The priest collects money in the name of reconstruction of the church. The laity who come to church donate in good faith. But some of the priests, they never reveal the exact amount to the parishioners...they take their share and hand over the remaining to the church.

OPINION

Peter’s House Is Broken

The meek shall inherit the earth? Not if the Church has its way.

PAUL ZACHARIA

The Catholic church is an ancient monolith and has been in the game of power, wealth, cadre- and institution-building for so long that nothing can change it except its own perceptions of survival. It is an inflexible iron-frame with a cold sense of history that can rebuff its enemies with a bizarre patience. At the same time, it is also a highly malleable—almost amoebic—system that bends to the times with strategies so subtle that they remain invisible for centuries. It is the canniest self-perpetuating bureaucracy of the world. That is how it has withstood the turbulent forces of history ever since Emperor Constantine transformed it into the master of the Roman Empire in AD 313 through the Edict of Milan. One signature made the underdog top dog. The Church has never looked back.

It survived the tempestuous challenge of Martin Luther and the Reformation. Its expertise in conducting immense and long-standing wars is simply mind-boggling. The Crusades are just one example. It emerged unscathed from the second world war thanks to the notorious neutrality it maintained with the two horrendous dictators: Hitler and Mussolini. In fact, few remember today that the papal state of Vatican City was granted to the Church by Mussolini in return for its acceptance of fascist authority.

The point is, the Church is a tough nut to crack. It remains doubtful if it can be reformed even if the Pope were inclined to try. Because, its empire is today flung far across continents, nations, cultures and civilisations, and there are the machinations of countless vested interests at work. The Pope might be able to ensure that the cardinal principles of faith remain uniform and sacrosanct. But even that is not easy. For instance, saints deposed by the Vatican years ago are still venerated in Kerala. The Kerala church finds them useful. As for celibacy, if a priest gives it up, what can the Church do? Next to nothing.

Like all religious hierarchies that have gained influence in the modern world, the Catholic church too, by and large, keeps word and deed apart. By word, I mean the word of Jesus, which is the bedrock of the Church. Perhaps it isn’t possible at all to make the two one if you wish to obtain and retain great power and great wealth. For who can live today the beggarly life that Jesus lived and expect to be taken seriously by presidents and prime ministers?

The Church is as worldly an institution as—a comparison to aid clarity—the United States of America, holding monopoly over an unbeatable brandname: Jesus. The J-brand, sedulously built up over 2,000 years, is so powerful that the blatant aberrations of the Church go unnoticed under its overpowering spiritual glamour. Without its charisma, the Church would collapse like a house of cards. Therefore, the last thing the Church wants is to let people find the real Jesus: a poor, wandering dreamer and revolutionary who just lost out.

But somewhere in the glitzy interior of this behemoth, Jesus’s civilising messages—love and mercy, for example—continue to survive in their many guises. That is how the Church continues to be able to legitimise its materialistic goals. It’s a simple question: if you are poor, can you help others? The answer is, no. You need to be wealthy to be charitable, to build educational institutions, hospitals, orphanages, old people’s homes. Not to mention, the churches, seminaries, convents, pilgrim-centres and so on.

But there comes a point, as with the church in Kerala, when the goal of profit-making overrides all else, as happens with any heartless business empire. And the spiritual message becomes just a gaudy, conspicuous robe to cover the currency bundles. But luck is with the Church. Because the faithful don’t see this as a problem. The more the glitter and the pomp, the better. For them, the church is more status symbol than spiritual center. Without the splendour of the rituals and ceremonies, their weddings and funerals will turn into shabby, boring affairs. The Church for them is a grand event-producer.

The Church can be reformed only from the inside because it is a closed and closely guarded system—and afforded further protection by its minority status under the Indian Constitution. The Church’s most consistent critic in Kerala, Joseph Pulikunnel, calls for all church assets—thought to be worth a few billions—to be transferred to the laity. But his is a utopian dream. For, the laity are no saints. They are, on the other hand, congenital sinners! And they have more use for money than the priests!

(Courtesy: Outlook) 

When the child custody dispute haunts divorced couples (Part II)

Losing the identity

Leela had lost her identity the day she entered that family. Her in-laws had given her a different name and told her that it was a lucky name for her! When she told me about how she was called by Lalitha, a new, different name, I couldn't stop laughing at her. Leela had not just been called by a new name, but she had lost her own identity, the name her parents had given her was completely gone, she was identified by her new name and called by it by not only her new family, but also by her new relatives!

Leela’s pain knew no limits, but she couldn't even share them with her husband, as he would never trust her. He was a loyal son, but not a loyal husband. Sanjay would even beat or kill her if his parents asked him to do... He had no mind or heart of his own, his brain worked according to his parents and he danced to their tunes, he was a mere puppet in his parents' hands.

Leela couldn't stop herself from telling her pain to her mother and brother when one day her mother-in-law gave her the food kept for dog. She openly told her to adjust, as she cannot cook food! Yes, Leela was made to eat the stale food which was kept in the fridge for a day or two. That day, she was made to realise her position in that family... She felt the need to find a job for herself.

Wondering why she didn't go for work? Leela was denied to practice at home and was merely treated as a servant and the fact became obvious when her unmarried, younger brother-in-law, Rakesh (name changed) once told his mother that he would unleash the dog if any patients come in search of treatment to their house!

Her mother-in-law who had not even passed her high school had a different attitude. She couldn't digest the fact that her daughters-in-law were well educated and could earn very well, in fact better than her own sons... Even though she was expecting, Leela didn't think twice to find a job, as it was suffocating to stay the whole day, doing the service of her in-laws and the unmarried brother-in-law Rakesh.

Leela went to her parents' house when she was five months pregnant and fortunately, they gave her jewels for the pre-baby shower ceremony. Maybe her in-laws expected that she would give them back after the function. But by that time, Leela had realised how greedy they were and could do anything for gold and money.

She had even come to know that her in-laws had kept the jewels of one of their relatives' daughter-in-law, who was a young widow, in their custody. They had not even allowed that young widow to remarry. She was made to spend her life with her two small children with her in-laws! My friend's in-laws even hated the idea of giving back the jewels of that widow too...

Dowry in the name of tradition

After Leela went for the delivery, her in-laws continued asking her and her parents to return her jewels and they cited tradition and custom that the girl should give all her things to her husband and in-laws. When she refused to give, her in-laws and Sanjay abused her, using all the wrong words, in front of the hospital staff and she was made to cry for hours immediately after the delivery. The fact that she had a caesarean and needed rest didn’t get the importance in front of the gold jewels she owned.

Slowly, the gap between the husband and the wife increased, thanks to her in-laws. Even while Leela was staying with them, they didn’t allow her to speak with Sanjay over the phone, all she could speak to him was just checking how he was and informing him that she was fine! Her mother-in-law kept a constant watch on what my friend talked to her husband and never allowed her to have any lengthy conversations with him.

Given the time period she spent with her husband, Leela hardly got any time for understanding him. Within three months of her wedding, she was pregnant and her husband was living away from her. When they met, only his hands spoke on her body and never his mouth!

Later, Leela was told that Prerana had purposefully not gone to see her and the newborn. Her in-laws never told her that Prerana was in the hospital because of them... But the fact was they had not even informed Prerana about the delivery!

Moreover, Leela was told that Prerana purposefully didn’t come for the ‘choroonu’ ceremony -- the first rice giving ceremony of a child -- held at Guruvayur, when in fact, her father-in-law openly told her and Vikram not to attend it… All this was just to create a riff between the two women and unfortunately, Leela didn’t understand it at all. After the birth of her son Ravi, slowly the torture also increased. For every small issue, they created ruckus.

New life, new pain

After three months when Leela returned to her in-laws’ house, within a week’s time, she was sent to join her husband in Bangalore. Her joy knew no limits, thinking about the life lying ahead of her. Husband, she and a son, what more could have she expected for a happily ever after life. But it didn’t take too many days to realize that all that was mere dream, a daydream, a castle she had built in the wind.

Once Leela reached Bangalore, her life was literally trapped inside four walls. All her day was spent in looking after the child, cooking, washing the clothes, cleaning the house. She became a mere parrot in the cage, a dumb, speechlees parrot, a wingless parrot. She waited for her husband to come back from work and by the time he returned it used to be 8 pm and she forgot how the outer world looked like.

Slowly, Sanjay started drinking and beating her. She bore the abuse silently, as she was the mother of a kid now and not alone. When the physical torture increased, she made up her mind and informed her parents. Her parents came and took her and the child back with them. Sanjay didn’t feel repentful by his action, when asked, his parents supported his action.

His mother said: “To control her, he beats her, what’s wrong in that?” Leela’s parents were shocked to know the fact that how uncultured people they were. Her husband completely cut off the contacts with her and stopped calling her. He didn’t even bother to enquire how the little kid was.

When things lead to divorce

Maybe life would have gone like that had Sanjay, his father and his uncle came asking her to return the chain and clothes given to the kid on the 28^th day ceremony. Among Malayalis, 28^th day from the birth of a newborn, the naming ceremony is conducted. During this ceremony, it is the custom for a guy’s parents to give a chain and clothes to the child. Leela’s husband went with his family to get back that chain which was given to her son on the 28^th day.

After they asked her to return the chain, Leela realized the fact that they do not want to continue the relationship and decided to file for divorce. What could hurt a mother more than such an incident?

To add salt to the wounds, they even demanded Leela to return the toys and clothes presented to the kid by their relatives, and even friends! They fought the case in the court and by mutual agreement, got the divorce. Surprising and shocking off all these was Prerana didn’t even know that there was a divorce! She and her parents are kept in dark about the whole incident. And I will write about Prerana and her suffering at the hands of Sanjay and Vikaram’s parents in another post, keep watching.  

Leela got her freedom from her torturers and later felt that she did a mistake by not filing a criminal case against her husband and in-laws. Had she filed a dowry harassment case against them, they would have been behind the bars for minimum 15 years. She accepted a paltry sum of Rs 5 lakh and signed the divorce papers. She didn’t bother about the money aspect, as she had got the permanent custody of her child.

Sanjay and his parents had agreed for the permanent custody and had mutually agreed to meet the kid once in a week. While taking back the managalsutra on the day of the divorce, Sanjay’s mother had taken a goldsmith along with her to check if the chain and the thali were genuine! She wanted to confirm if the thaali was genuine and said in front of the lawyers that she had bought the thaali and the chain from Malabar Gold Jewellers.

Single mother, new responsibility

Now, she is single mother, happily living with her parents and working in a reputed hospital. But that happiness couldn’t remain for more months after the divorce. She came to know that Sanjay’s parents were searching a bride for him, for the second marriage. And now, earlier this month, Sanjay has filed a case against Leela seeking interim custody of the child.

And funnily, he has stated in the case that he’s very rich and is well settled in Bangalore. He thinks that Bangalore is the best city for the child’s education and his parents are ready to move to Bangalore to look after the child. Not just that, he also has said that his second brother is well settled abroad and the last brother is a well settled techie!

Funny to know how does the economic status of his brothers make Sanjay a rich man, a well settled man. A person who can’t even look after himself with his meager salary, now wants the custody of his child. Not because he loves the child, but he can’t see Leela to move on, he can’t digest the fact that a single mother can bring up a child without his support.  

I don’t understand why Sanjay or his parents are not understanding that a mother can look after her child, no matter how difficult situation and circumstances she faces. Maybe they will never understand that they are getting the curses and tears of two mothers, one Leela’s and the other Leela’s mother’s.

How can Sanjay and his parents ever live happily, peacefully? Will not the guilt haunt them to their death? Will not the tears and curses of a suffering woman bother them? Maybe not, as the greed for wealth is so much that nothing bothers them, nothing stops them.

All I wish now is at least Vikarm realizes that who’s fake and who’s true and who would risk it all for him. After seeing Leela, now nothing surprises me, no people surprise me. I wish sooner or the later he sees the original face of his brothers and parents and live a happily ever after life with Prerana.  

Why not a rebel, a feminist?

It will not be surprising if another rebel, another feminist takes birth in Leela or Prerana. I would love to see a rebel, a feminist in them, who oppose oppression, who help other women to come out of oppression, for they have seen all it, they have suffered all it and they know how to tackle situations and help women come out of it and build a new life, with lots and lots of hopes and fresh dreams.

Now, don’t start thinking why am I talking about feminism all of a sudden. When people brand women as feminists and rebels, why don’t they just stop and think why did they become one? Why not put in the shoes of those “feminists” and see for themselves? Feel for themselves?

Not everybody wants to be branded and separated from the common group. How can anybody who has experienced what Leela or Prerana have gone through in their life to be normal? Why can’t and why shouldn’t be feminists?

Here, I’m using the term feminists in a broader perspective, because I can’t forget the fact that Leela’s mother-in-law was also a woman and she feels empowered controlling and suppressing her daughters-in-law. So a feminist here I mean, one who opposes the oppression, questions the male authority, and sometimes female authority as required, and establishes her own mark in the society, in the family, in the life.

Most of the women, often end up becoming feminists after the wedding. Reason? Ever thought of even thinking the reason behind it? Just merely calling them rebels or feminists will not help you get the answer. Many dream of a happily married ever after ending of the novel or story or film they have come across in their adulthood, weave so many dreams, imagine life would be like that, like this. They think sapnon ka rajkumar will come and life will be a bed of roses. And it takes a while to realize that it was a castle in the wind and very soon, all the dreams shatter.

When sacrifices, compromises go in vain

The umpteen number of compromises and scarifices go in vain. The more and more we, women compromise, the more and more we start getting hurt. And sometimes, it so happens that the family members, including the rajkumar of our life, fail to understand our emotions. Every time, we try to please them and keep saying “sorry” in the hope that we may have hurt them by any chance. They fail to understand that when we say sorry to them, it's not meant that we are wrong and they are right. It is all about the importance we give to a relationship more than our ego and this simple fact goes unnoticed!

Why do men, and their parents, refuse to allow the women to choose how to live? Allow them to make changes instead of giving excuses. Why not motivate them in all efforts instead of manipulating things? Make them feel useful instead of giving them the insecure feeling of being used? Help them to excel in life, not compete with other members in the family. Allow them to choose their self-esteem and put a stop when they self-pity. More importantly, realize that they have all the freedom to listen to their inner voice and not to your random opinions and advices.

If the man and the family members of the man realize a simple fact that family isn't always blood and it's the people in your life who want you in theirs, the one who accept you for who you are, the ones who would do anything to see you smile and who love you no matter what, a woman can live a happily ever after life, she need not become a rebel, a feminist who will want to raise her voice, who demands her voice to be heard, who wants to question the authority and atrocity of in-laws. Utopia? Then, checking women from becoming rebels and feminists after their weddings is also a distant dream.

We women are strong because we are weak, we are beautiful because we know our flaws, we are lovers because we are fighters, we are fearless because we have been afraid, we are wise because we have been foolish... and we can laugh because we have known sadness. At the end of the day, people shouldn’t forget that after everything, still we try to put a bold face. We always tell ourselves, we may not be there yet, but one day or the other, we will get there, no matter what it takes, we will get there. For, we often refuse to let the trivial things of today weigh down our tomorrow!

At the end, let me make things clear, it is not that I'm against Malayalis or their customs and traditions, what I'm against is just their greed and lust for gold. It is not just Malayalis who are taking dowry and it is not just Malayalis who torture brides and daughters-in-law for dowry. There are many other friends who are not Malayalis and yet have gone through the ordeal. Since Leela is a Malayali, I have just given the instances of a few other friends who have been harassed by Malayali in-laws. Definitely it's not something which is meant to show Malayalis in a poor light and I'll shortly come up with stories of other friends, who have suffered because of this ugly dowry system, in the next posts. And yes, it will need more time for me to come up with other posts on those issues...   

When the child custody dispute haunts divorced couples (Part I)

This came as a great shocking news. I couldn’t control my anger or feeling when I came to know that one of my friends’ former husband has filed a case against her for the custody of her child. Yes, my friend Leela (name changed to protect the identity) was tortured by her husband Sanjay (name changed to protect the identity) and in-laws for dowry and she had no other go, but to get a divorce from him. Let me give some background about Leela who underwent all the pain…

She is a doctor and was married to Sanjay, the first son of a family. Before the wedding, she and her family were told a lie that Sanjay was earning handsome, a five digit salary, while he was earning only three digit salary. The Sanjay’s family even hid the fact from Leela’s family that the second son was already engaged and they told about it only after the wedding cards were printed, only 15 days before the marriage.

Before the marriage they refused to take any dowry, but the avarice for the newly married bride's jewels started coming up soon after the wedding. Leela was treated like a servant, made to wash everybody's clothes, clean the dishes, clean the house.

Didn't I mention that her husband's younger brother Vikram (name changed) was engaged earlier? Yes, their wedding took place in a week's time. Sanjay’s mother was very smart, rather call cunning, that she made it sure to use the same divide and rule policy between the two newly married girls – Leela and her sister-in-law Prerana (name changed).

Divide and rule

She compared and contrasted between them and lauded and criticised each girl in front of the other, making both the girls to feel jealous, bad and envious about the other. And the girls never understood their in-laws' tactics, till one fine day. While that realisation came for Leela within two years, it took nearly four- and- a- half years to realise for Prerana.

Ok, leave that. Let me come to the main point of how she was harassed and tortured for dowry. Soon after the wedding, Leela’s in- laws took all her jewels, let me tell you not 10 or 20 grams, nearly 500 grams, yes half kilogram, to their custody.

Did I mention that god knows from where and how this custom among Malayalis developed, they demand minimum one kilogram of gold from the bride's parents during the wedding. I have so many Malayali friends who have given all their jewels to their in-laws and have lost them. Let me tell you a few of them.

Saakshi’s story

One of my friends Saakshi (name changed), a Kannadiga, who was married to a Malayali brahmin lost all her jewels to her mother-in-law. Saakshi is the younger daughter and since she had lost her mother, all her mother's jewels were given to my friend during her wedding.

Saakshi trusted her mother-in-law and handed over all her jewels before leaving for Bangalore. Whenever she used to attend the functions in Kerala, she was given one or two pieces to wear and she was denied access to her own jewellery. Later, Saakshi was speechless and nearly heart-broken when she found all her jewels on her sister-in-law, the new bride.

Saakshi was consoled by her mother-in-law that she would get back them after the wedding and they never returned! Saakshi’s sister-in-law took all the jewels of my friend and constant fights happened between her and her husband, but in vain. Till now, she has not got back any of her jewels.

Kala’s sufferings
Then there is Kala (name changed), another friend, also a Kannadiga, married to a Nair. Since we had warned her in the beginning itself, Kala took care of her jewels and didn't lose any of them to her in-laws. But I know how she was continuously harassed for the jewels for more than four years of her wedding, to the extent that her in-laws even put a pressure on their son to divorce her! 

Unable to bear the pressure, Kala's husband made her to give the five sarees which were given by his parents to her during the wedding. Surprisingly, they didn't take her mangalsutra! Maybe they would have, had she given it back ;)

When in-laws pledge even managalsutra

When it comes to taking away the managalsutra I should mention another incident. There is this journo friend, Tara (name changed), who is a Kannadiga and is married to a Malayali guy settled abroad. One day while chatting, Tara told me: "These b@$$&# Mallus can kill anybody and everybody for gold."

I couldn't control my laugh at her humour while we were discussing about a serious issue like dowry harassment. Then I realised that it was like a comic relief in the Greek tragedies, Shakespearean tragedies, or call whichever tragedies. Tara wanted to make the scene lighter when there was a hot discussion on a hot topic!

Being the lone daughter, her parents her given lots of gold for her wedding, as her in-laws asked no dowry, but asked them to put lot of gold according to Malayali tradition and do a grand wedding. Hmm I remember it was very grand enough and later I came to know that they had spent over Rs 15 lakh for the wedding, that too imagine, four years ago!

 Then they even gave Rs 10 lakh for her visa so that she could join her husband abroad. And before going abroad, Tara’s in-laws took all her jewels, including mangalsutra. Even she didn't listen to her parents who advised her not to give all her jewels to her in-laws, but the newly married girl was so blind in the love of her husband that she blindly trusted his parents and gave them everything silently.

After one year, when Tara returned home for a vacation, she came across an ugly truth. Her father-in-law had lost pledged her mangalsutra to play betting and lost it! And angered by it, when Tara asked her mother-in-law to return her jewels, she refused to give the locker keys.

Continuous fights with her husband for another year, at last got her the locker keys, but she didn't get all her jewels, as some were misused by her in-laws. And when enquired, they said all that she had kept were only that many and they don't know anything about them!

Deepika’s love

Another friend who is a journo, Deepika (name changed) dated a Malayali guy for two years and he just disappeared from her life all because his mother threatened to end her life if he married a Kannadiga. The issue was not that she was not a Malayali, but she would not get kilos and kilos of gold with her.

Deepika didn’t even realize that the guy was greedy like any other Malayali even when used to ask that he like Hyundai Accent and he would like to have it as his wedding gift. He had invited my friend to his elder sister’s wedding, not just to show his family, but also to make her aware that how Malayali weddings are conducted and how brides should wear kilos and kilos of gold from head to toe!

It’s a different matter that Deepika realized the fact that he left her because she would not take so much of gold with her for the wedding, through one of their common friends.

Seetha’s catches

It will be unjust if I don’t mention about Deepika’s boyfriend’s elder sister Seetha, who was fortunately or unfortunately my roommate when I went to Bangalore for the first time. She literally tried to search a guy for herself who was not a Malayali. She flirted with a Kannadiga from Mysore, who was literally in love with her, but later she dumped him after realizing that he was not from a well-to do family.

In between she kept in contact with one of her old boyfriends, who was also her classmates and was hurt by him long back. She tried like anything to convince him to marry her and he was too smart to fall into her trap. Then, she moved on to a North Indian guy. She flirted with him for about a month or two and confessed her love to him and he openly told on her face that he would marry the girl whom his parents agree and they were already looking for one!

And surprisingly, Seetha had even told me a lie that she was the younger daughter, while in fact she was the elder one! Then she had no other go but to accept a proposal accepted by her parents. Though not interested, she married a techie from her own caste, from her own state, but settled in Bangalore.

Later, she opposed the wedding of Deepika to her brother for the sheer reason that Deepika was not a Malayali and would not bring lots of gold along with her. But her greed didn’t allow to settle peacefully with her husband also. She kept on dreaming of settling in London, as most of her relatives were settled there.

Plus, later I came to know another bitter truth that her past haunted her and her husband came to know about all those things and decided to divorce her. Then, it didn’t take many days to get her another guy and she was remarried and settled in London. Don’t know how she is now and what she’s doing.

Seetha often used to tell me that Malayali girls love to marry outsiders, because they don’t wish to burden their parents, whereas Malayali boys will never wish to marry an outsider, because they do not want to lose the huge dowry she gets with her!

Loyal son, not loyal husband

Okie, let me come back to the original story, what I was telling from the beginning. When Leela was given an old saree to wear the very second day of her wedding, she was in full tears, at the plight of her life in the new family. And unfortunately, she was not even allowed to live with her husband, as Sanjay worked in Bangalore. She was made to live with her in- laws and wait for her hubby, who used to visit her once a month for two days!

Being a doctor, I wondered why did Leela even agree to stay back and waste her educational qualification, but it was the decision of her in- laws and Sanjay had no say in it. He was a Sravanakumara, Rama in following the words of his parents, his blind love towards his parents was so strong that he never felt like taking the side of his wife. If his parents said that the child was not his, he was even ready to believe that!

Leela never realised that her husband was creating trouble in the family life of his brother Vikram also. Even after the wedding, he didn't stop borrowing money from Vikram, what else could have he done, he and his parents had told a lie that Sanjay was earning very well and was leading a luxurious life in Bangalore!

Had she found a friend in her sister-in-law

Then, one fine day, after three months of their wedding, Leela came to Bangalore to be with Sanjay for two days. She even visited Vikram's place and was happy to know that they are happily living away from her in-laws.

She couldn't say much to her sister-in-law about the pain or torture she was undergoing back home. All she could say was: "You are very lucky to live with your husband. It is very difficult to live away from my husband, but I can't help it."

Prerana tried to know the reason and Leela changed the topic, for she thought it was not wise on her part to discuss her personal life. I wish she had opened up there and then itself, maybe the amount of pain she underwent after that would have been reduced, if not completely checked.

Leela could have found a friend, who would have stood up to her, who would have given her a shoulder to cry, but the ego came in between in such a way that she didn't even try to open up or search a friend. Or maybe the poison her in-laws had filled in her head and mind was overwhelming to give space for any other thoughts, space to look out for a friend in her own sister-in- law.

Leela forgot the fact that Prerana too had come from an outside family and she too was trying to adjust to Vikram's family. Or maybe she thought her sister-in-laws was more happier, as it was a love marriage! Leela didn't know the fact that her in-laws had not agreed for the wedding for two years and it was only after they threatened that they would go for a registered marriage, that her in-laws agreed for the marriage.

Sadly, Leela had not even known another truth that even though it was a love marriage, her in-laws were torturing Prerana also for dowry! Even though she had a clue that something was not alright between her in-laws and Prerana even before the wedding, she didn’t give much thought into it. She had seen how her mother-in-law had not bought any sarees for Prerana and Vikram had to fight with his mom to buy new sarees for his would-be wife.

After continuous fights, his mother had agreed to buy sarees and bought them just two days before the wedding! Leela didn’t even know another truth that her sister-in-law was discriminated when it came to the jewels given by her mother-in-law, a custom among Malayalis. Yes, they give a bangle and a chain along with a saree for the bride during the wedding.

When smiles hide the pain

Leela never realised that even her sister-in-law had fights, her own problems with the family and her in-laws and all was not well. She didn't even understand that all was not well even after coming to know that Prerana had suffered a miscarriage and she was not even told by her in-laws about that!

And every time, Prerana tried to keep an eternal smile on her face and tried to behave normal, usual. And Leela failed, often failed, or maybe never even made any attempt to see that Prerana’s smiles hid her deepest secrets, deepest pain, her eyes never showed to her or the world that they have cried the most tears and her heart has felt the most pain. And people, including her relatives and friends, went by her smiles and thought she is living a romantic, happily ever after life!

Then Leela went to the office of her husband where she found her man flirting with his female colleagues. When she retorted, Sanjay dubbed her as a villager and told her that it was a part of socialising and she would never understand it. Even though she felt very odd about his behaviour, she took it the right spirit and forgot all about it. How can she keep all that in her mind and ruin her own happiness? She had gone all the way from Kerala to Bangalore just to be with him and spend some quality time with him?

After returning home, Leela’s mother-in-law was curious to know how her second daughter-in-law was, was she quick in cooking, doing household work, blah blah blah. When she came to know that Prerana was good in cooking and household works, she couldn't digest it. She used to criticize her in front of Leela.

And after a few days, Leela came to know that she was expecting and knew no limits for the happiness and joy. But in between, whenever there were functions and weddings, she was denied to wear her own jewels, she was literally at the mercy of her in-laws. (To be continued...)